Pieces of the Journey 

Where This Chapter Began

I didn't know exactly what this chapter was going to look like when I moved to Tennessee in March. New place, new job, new roads, and a whole lot of figuring things out as I went. I didn't have some perfect plan for what came next. I just knew I was ready for life to look different. Going back wasn't an option. Little by very little, Tennessee started feeling less like somewhere I'd moved to and more like somewhere I was building a life.

I had the tools I needed to heal now. The parts of me that had been so badly shattered, I had gotten help putting back together during that long winter — along with some pieces I didn't even realize had broken off and gone missing. Now I'm learning how to paint those pieces again, except this time I don't have an identity to fall back on. I'm not somebody's wife. I'm not a mom still raising kids who need me every day. Now it's just me, sitting with myself and figuring out who I want to be when I'm simply me.

The version of me I was becoming before was still too broken to make some of the strong decisions she needed to make, set the boundaries she needed, and actually keep them. The me I am now has the tools. I've healed a lot of those shattered parts, but healing isn't linear. Some days are still really hard. Some days missing home feels unbearable, and it's on those days that I have to remind myself how far I've come.

I've found a strength in myself I never knew was possible because I've made it through things I never imagined I'd have to go through. And then there are the other days — the days when I'm accomplishing things I never thought I would, going places I've never been, and realizing that maybe I'm capable of a whole lot more than I ever gave myself credit for.

Healing doesn't look the same for everyone, and I don't know that I'll ever reach some imaginary finish line where I can say I'm completely healed. Maybe that's not even the point. I don't need to be “fixed.” If it weren't for some of the pain and the scars, I wouldn't be who I am today — and I'm actually starting to like the woman I'm becoming.

So for now, I just keep going. Hard days are going to come, but I'll be okay. I've survived every bad day that came before this one, and I can handle whatever comes next. I don't know exactly where this journey is taking me yet. I just hope somewhere along the way I find the peace I've been so desperately searching for — and maybe, little by little, realize I've already started finding it.